How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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