woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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