i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Can you bring me the toilet please
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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