i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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