i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
