I'm jealous of your bromance
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
