my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
