so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
