The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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