you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
