I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
