I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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