Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
