I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
