In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
