There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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