I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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