Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
