I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
