We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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