I puked a lego.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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