this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
