The maid of honor just puked.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
