I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
