my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
