Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
