Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
