yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
