im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
