My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize