She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
