I wish my penis had an off switch
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
