i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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