I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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