Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
