FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Pants are for mortals
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
