i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Send help, water and tortillas.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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