Non-Jews are for practice
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
