I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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