what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
