At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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