We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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