So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
