I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
