What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
