the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
