all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Randomize
