he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
