Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
