Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
