Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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